Let's Get Married!
by Kimchi Bomb
Summary: You are officially invited to celebrate the wedding of Karmen Valachi and Xanxus What's-His-Last-Name in the near future, somewhere in Italy, followed by a reception. TYL, Xanxus X OC, Foul language
1. Chapter 1

**Let's Get Married! **

**Xanxus X OC, TYL, Beware foul and sexual language, Don't own KHR but you already know that..**

**Chapter 1: Fuck you, Lussuria**

* * *

The wine-colored orbs of a certain mafia boss steadily looked up towards the small figure that was just a few steps away from him. His rough hands, hands that had made countless mafia men and women kneel and bleed, now fiddled clumsily with the tiny velvet case inside his pocket. Said mafia boss took a deep breath, adjusted his necktie, and took two brave steps forwards.

"Trash."

Xanxus, the bad-ass drunkard meat-addict Varia boss...

"Marry me."

Was going to get married.

* * *

"Marry me."

Xanxus said as he took a diamond ring from its case, holding it out. The room was silent. And then..

"CUT! That was great boss! I'm so proud of you!" Lussuria squealed as he hit a slate that read 'take 89'. Everyone in the room applauded, for the eighty-ninth time for the day.

Xanxus grunted in relief, kicking over the enormous pikachu plush doll that Lussuria gave him, as he told him to pretend it was his soon-to-be fiance. You couldn't even imagine how unbelievably difficult it was to ask a giant pikachu's hand in marriage.

"VOOOOOII! Finally!" Squalo exclaimed as he jumped off the couch, stretching.

"It's over! Ushishishishi." Bel grinned widely, genuinely delighted. He threw away the marker he was using to draw on Levi's face with Fran, relieved. They were starting to run out of ideas on what ridiculous things they would attempt to draw. Levi, oblivious to how ridiculous he looked, kept on snoring in his sleep.

Fran, stifling a yawn, took a picture of Levi's flamboyant face and posted it on Mafia Facebook. It was then when Lussuria started frowning as he looked over the recordings of the latest attempt of their boss's mock-proposal.

"Hm, maybe we could lose the trash part. Let's try again one more time, okay? This time, more _nicely_. You're the man, boss dear!"

"I'm not asking the fucking pikachu to marry me _again_, gaylord."Xanxus snarled, ripping off his necktie and throwing it to the marble floor. That thing was starting to choke him.

"Nonsense! Do you want to marry Karmen or not? I'm in charge of this marriage and it's going to be PERFECT! Now try one more time this instant ASAP!"

Everyone, including Xanxus himself, groaned as Lussuria skipped around (yes, skipped), gushing that it was going to be the most perfect and romantic proposal in the history of the Vongola. The other men around him highly doubted that. Yes, proposals _were_ supposed to be lovely and romantic, but this one was coming from Xanxus, and stuff that comes from him is _never_ good.

'This is going to be chaos. And that's at the least', Squalo thought, rolling his eyes. He felt sorry for the girl already.

A loud crash was heard in the distance, and the oak door burst open.

"Xanxus you little piece of shit!"

Then again, not that much. Squalo mused, as he watched a petite brunette storm in and plant a powerful kick in Xanxus's gut which he barely dodged. Xanxus growled.

"What the fuck is it now, short trash."

'Short trash' kicked again, this time hitting Xanxus's shin. The pissed off Varia boss grabbed the woman by her short hair, being careful so it wouldn't hurt her _too_ much, and lifted her up into the air. (Yes, Xanxus does actually know how much it hurts to have your hair ripped out. Surprise, Squalo!)

"You tell _me_ what the fuck is going on right now. Why is my wine cellar empty?" Karmen Valachi snapped at him, desperately trying to get Xanxus to drop her. Which he did immediately. Karmen was fell to the floor with a loud splat.

"You jerk, now my beautiful ass is going to get all bruised and you're responsible for it."Karmen spat, rubbing her sore butt as she got up to her feet.

"I'm sure boss has been responsible for _that_ matter since a long time ago."Bel snickered, making Squalo look disgusted. A glass of wine was thrown towards the giggling prince, who easily dodged.

"Fuck it, answer me Xanxus. Where is my booze!"Karmen yelled again, not being able to deny Bel's words (cough cough).

"I took it away." Xanxus sneered. "You're alcohol-grounded."

Karmen raised an eyebrow. Her opal colored eyes scanned Xanxus up and down for any signs to point out that he was just messing with her. She found none.

"You didn't." Karmen gritted her teeth, feeling the urge to kill.

"Hell yeah."

"YOU-"

Xanxus smirked and promptly gave a nice smack to her behind, shutting her up instantly.

"WHAT?"

"It's still noon, boss. Save the rest for the bed." Fran drawled, and Bel laughed in his usual creepy way. Lussuria gasped and covered Fran's eyes.

"Little boys like you shouldn't be saying things like that! Go upstairs and watch Barney while the grown-ups enjoy the show!(nose-bleed)"

Squalo looked slightly uncomfortable. Bel grinned. "The _little boy_", he said as he gestured to the teal-haired illusionist, "Is in the mafia and slaughters hundreds almost every day."

"NOOOOOO!"

"All of you are douchebags." Karmen grumbled as she fixed her messy hair. It was then when she took a look around the room and found numerous camcorders and the giant pikachu.

"What were you dickheads doing here in the first place?" She asked, poking the yellow pokemon doll on the floor. Everyone sweatdropped.

It was then when Levi woke up from his beauty sleep and made Karmen so disturbed that she decided to stay in her room for the rest of the day. Don't even bother asking what perverted things Bel and Fran even tried to draw on the thunder guardian's face. Bel was literally rolling on the floor laughing his princely ass off.

* * *

After Karmen had gone (not forgetting to snatch a bottle of whiskey and wine from Xanxus's desk), an awkward silence filled the room as Xanxus sank down in his ornate wooden chair, massaging his temples. Well, Bel was still sniggering about how he had made Levi's nose look like a... the important part of a man's body... but never mind.

"Voi, Xanxus." Squalo said, and Xanxus's pupils slowly moved towards the silver-haired swordsman, as if he was too lazy to even look at him.

"Are you serious about this... getting married?"

Xanxus said nothing, then closed his eyes again.

"With _her_?"

Before Xanxus could do anything, Lussuria cut in, yelling into his microphone.

"Of course he is, silly Squalo! Now get up all of you, especially you boss! We have a lot of practice to do! PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!"

Everyone grumbled. Again.

Fuck you, Lussuria.

* * *

**Please Review :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Let's Get Married!**

**Chapter 2: Drinking Problems**

* * *

Lately, Xanxus had begun to notice some strange things going on in his beautiful wine cellar. For instance, where did that bottle of _Henri Jayer Les Brulees _from France he had saved for special ocassions disappear to? And why was half of his _1800 Coleccion_ Tequilla collection gone and replaced with cheap wheat beer instead? How did one even manage to sneak in and out of the room without even breaching the security system?

Whatever the case, Xanxus had enough. He was going to catch this alcohol thief once and for all.

* * *

The first time Xanxus ever found traces of the robber was when he found the doorknob on the cellar door glistening slightly with the oil of hand cream. The dark-haired man slowly lowered his face towards the doorknob and gave it a sniff. As he inhaled the air, he caught a faint hint of sweet shea butter.

Xanxus frowned. First of all because he was confused that he actually knew what shea butter handcream smells like, and second of all he knew exactly who used that kind of cream.

"Gay freak." Xanxus snarled, his hands already reaching for the notorious X-guns on his leather belt.

The halls of the Varia Headquarters echoed with bloody screams and loud gunshots for the next few hours.

* * *

Xanxus was pissed off. He thought that he had caught the blasted thief trash when he sent Lussuria to the infirmary. But there it was again, empty bottles of premium wine rolling on the wooden floor and some of them were only half empty. The fucking thief trash was letting perfectly good wine to waste. For the record, Xanxus HATED it when people showed no respect for alcohol. If you started it, you end it. Which was incredibly hypocritical coming from a man who wasted at least a whole crate of wine every day by throwing it at his second-in-command, but nonetheless Xanxus was seriously pissed.

It was then when he discovered a tiny smudge of crimson lipstick on the mouth of one of the bottles. Just a miniscule speck which would have gone unnoticed to the eyes of many. But not Xanxus. Never underestimate the eyes of an alcoholic.

After closely inspecting the tiny red dot, he (again) whipped out his guns and stormed out the door. But after a few steps, he stopped. Xanxus's lips curled upwards in a not-so-nice looking way. He was going to teach that alcohol thief a lesson the trash would never forget.

* * *

A couple of days ago, Karmen was in a horrible mood. Ever since Xanxus had taken away her rights to her personal wine cellar she craved alcohol. The evil mafia boss even ordered Lussuria and the staff in the kitchen to never under any circumstances give the girl absolutely any kind of alcohol. He said he had enough of her and her drunken nonsense, being the bad drunk she was. So Karmen was officially alcohol-grounded.

Unfortunately, that order had led to the multiple bloody deaths of the chefs and servants, but Xanxus didn't care about that, did he? After a couple of days Karmen's cravings had intensified so much that she had even thought about raiding the infirmary and drink straight out of the bottle of sterilized alcohol which was used to treat wounds.

But then she had a better idea. Why not just raid boss's own storage of alcohol? It was an absolutely brilliant idea, and Karmen skipped all the way to the door of the cellar. When she found that it was locked and it needed a four-numbered password she broke into a series of unintelligent mutters and curses, kicking madly at the poor door whose name actually rhymed.

It was then when the Poor Door spoke to her.

"Hey, hey Karmen! Hey! Hey!"

Oddly enough, it kind of sounded like a certain annoying fruit she had seen on YouTube... but she decided to forget it.

"Just tell me the shitty password already or I'll blow you off of your sissy-baby hinges." Karmen growled, feeling a migraine coming her way.

"Sure. The password is... FUCK YOU BITCH YOU JUST KICKED MY PRIVATE PARTS DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK I'D GIVE THE STUPID PASSWORD TO YOU HAHAHAHAHA YES DOORS HAVE PRIVATE PARTS TOO YOU KNOW AND TECHNICALLY I DON'T EVEN HAVE HINGES HAHAHA NOW GET LOST!" The Poor Door screamed at her and Karmen angrily kicked the door yet again with her studded army boots.

"Aieeeeeeeee..."

The Poor Door's wailed in pain, and its sound grew softer and softer until there was silence in the hallway once again. Karmen sighed. Talking doors. What the fuck. The alcohol deprivation was really getting to her, she thought. She paced up and down the corridor with anxiety, biting her lip. What could the password possibly be?

Then being the self-centered person she always was, she promptly entered the four digits of her birthday. Beep. Blorp. Beep. Bleep. And magically, the door let out a soft _klink_ and slid open. Karmen smiled widely like Bel always did, and did a mental happy dance inside her head before she immediately started chugging down bottles of liquor with terrifying speed.

* * *

A couple of days later in the present, Karmen was in a wonderful mood. She danced all the way to Xanxus's chamber of wonders. She had a newfound taste for scotch, and was going through a wild drinking frenzy. This time she had actually dragged an icebox down with her, so she could enjoy her drinks cold. The alcohol-deprived mafioso was so caught up in booze-land that she never noticed the door behind her slide shut with a soft _kl__ink_. She never noticed the barrel of a familiar gun aimed directly at the back of her head as well.

What she did notice; was the sound of a trigger being pulled.

_click_

And everything turned dark.

* * *

Just kidding.

Karmen _did_ notice the door shut behind her. She _did_ notice a barrel of a familiar gun aimed right at her head, and she _did_ notice the trigger being pulled back. So she did what every mafia man or woman did when they were being targeted. Grab the arm of the assassin that was holding the gun, twist it, unarm the assassin, take the gun for yourself, slam the assassin's face into a wall or any kind of hard surface, then kill them. Easy as pie.

Unfortunately, that didn't work out so well when the guy shoving a gun at your face was Xanxus. Not to mention when your opponent is nearly a foot taller than you. Then you're screwed. Defense-against-dark-mafia-attacks class dismissed.

A bullet whizzed past Karmen's ear; missing by less than a tenth of an inch. The first thought that came into her mind was to hide under the table. And so she did. That was a huge mistake.

Xanxus kicked over the wooden table which Karmen was hiding underneath rather easily, grabbed her by her under-ear length hair, and slowly pulled her up so that he could actually see her face instead of the top of her head.

"I feel deja vu right now." Karmen commented as she was lifted up into the air. Xanxus glared at her.

"Trash. What. The fuck. Were you doing. In. My. Wine cellar." He slowly said through clenched teeth. Karmen could see he was trying hard not to use that gun in his other hand. She had to make a smart move. Millions of tiny little thoughts raced through her head as she thought about the possibilities until finally she gave up.

"I wanted booze. So I got it." She shrugged as if it were no big deal. Xanxus's eyes narrowed. He dropped the drunk trash that let out a small 'oof' as she hit the floor. How in the world did she figure out the password? He wondered briefly, then looked down at Karmen who was trying to find another place to hide. Their eyes met, and she froze.

"Trash. When I banned you from alcohol, and that was a direct order. When I give you orders, you follow them. First you disobey me, then you break into my private property. What do I look like, the fucking Giving Tree?" Xanxus growled. Karmen gave him a dark look.

"I wouldn't have sneaked into your stupid wine cellar if you had just let me have all the drinks I wanted you retard! Why did you give me a no-alcohol order in the first place?" Karmen snapped. Xanxus lost his temper.

"Because alcoholic pregnancy is harmful, you fucking scum!" He snarled and began to shoot his gun.

"Wait, what?" Bewildered and still trying to let the Xanxus's words sink in, Karmen tried her best to dodge all of the attacks that came from the outraged Varia boss.

"Wait, Xanxus, XANXUS!" Karmen screamed as she tripped over one of the disheveled bottles of wine and toppled to the floor. She was sure she was going to die then, and she covered her head with her arms as a last attempt to change her death into something less-serious; a coma maybe. The gunshots stopped abruptly. Karmen slowly opened her eyes to find Xanxus towering over her, his fiery eyes filled with rage.

"Why would you be worried about alcoholic pregnancy? I'm not even pregnant." Karmen said as she let out a shaky laugh.

"You will be."

"Huh?"

"In the future."

Karmen burst out laughing.

"That's silly, Xanxus. I'm not going to have _kids_! Babies are cute, but they're smelly, sticky, and cry all day. Why would I even want one?" Karmen laughed at the thought of her having children. She would probably poison them to death with her terrible cooking before they even reached age five, she noted, grimacing as she remembered the last time she spent a day in the kitchen with Lussuria.

Karmen snapped out of her thoughts, and for a moment found it weird that the room was oddly quiet. She looked up towards Xanxus and found his expression unreadable. Wait, was it her or did Xanxus actually look... _disapointed_?

"There a problem, honeybunches?" Karmen asked casually. Xanxus gave Karmen a deathly glare that made her flinch. For a split second she thought she was going to get killed. But to her surprise Xanxus simply turned his back on her and angrily stormed out the wine cellar, leaving Karmen just sitting on the floor with a dumbfounded expression.

"The fuck?" She wondered shortly after she heard bloodcurling screams of Squalo and deafening explosions that could be heard a mile away.

For the rest of the day, Xanxus was seriously pissed off and nobody even knew why.

* * *

**End of Chapter 2. Thank you for reading my fanfic! Please review if you have the time. :D**


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